On The Road Again

I thought I would get metaphorical with the title of this post.  When in truth, there are two meanings to it.

#1 I am on the road of this journey with my new couple.  Contracts are signed and the ball is starting to roll...albeit...slowly.  I'm in the right place and the right time.  People always say that things happen for a reason but I truly understand it this time.  IM and I have a great relationship and I am so excited for them.  I can't wait for them to be parents!

#2 I am physically on the road today as I travel to Montreal to the clinic for testing.  I am required by the clinic to have a Sono done to make sure all is okay since the miscarriage in September.

Once I get the all clear we will start with mock cycles and medications.  At this point we are hopeful for a February transfer date.

Still Waiting for my Happy Ending

So the past month has been a busy one.  After I dealt with the heartbreak of losing the surro pregnancy I decided that I would carry on and try another transfer.  That was my original plan.  I felt horrible for my IP's.  I have never dealt with loss while carrying for another couple.  I've dealt with my own losses and I knew how to handle that.  I knew how to move on.

I had to wait for a week and  a half before I could get in for the D&C.  And like with everything else in this pregnancy, that didn't go as planned either.  On the morning of the D&C I was rushed by a friend to the ER.  Meds that I was given the night before had caused hemorrhaging.  I was lucky to have JL take me when she did.  They figured I had lost over a liter of blood and was very close to needing a transfusion.  They quickly had me in a room and hooked up to machines.  My surgery went two hours later than originally booked but I woke up from it feeling so much better.  The next morning I was my old self again.

The relationship with my IP's felt a bit strained after the miscarriage. I'm not sure if either party knew what to say to the other.  I've been in their position of loss before so I could relate to that, but I couldn't relate to the loss through a surrogate. Their hopes and dreams were riding on me.  So, with the advice of my OB I decided to part ways with the couple.  In the opinion of my Doctor, another loss was very possible and I needed to decide if that was something I wanted to risk.  I decided that I would move on.  IM and I had a conversation where I expressed how I felt and with no hard feelings we wished each other well.  I hope all the best for them and hope that they see their dream of a child fulfilled.

Back in April when I was looking for a couple I met a A and B.  I knew when I met them that they were a great couple but they were in the province of Quebec and I chose at that time to go with the local couple.  Intended Mom A and I kept in touch this entire time.  She's a truly wonderful person and I'm so happy to call her my friend.  I had promised them that I would help to find their surrogate.  I also promised that if we couldn't find one I would be their surrogate next year when I finished the journey with the local couple.

A few months sooner than planned but I am now working with A and B and I couldn't be happier for them.  They have known nothing but heartache along their journey to become parents.  Including when I chose another couple over them originally.  A says I need to stop apologizing for that.  I will one day I'm sure.

So here we go again! We started the contract portion today.  Got in touch with the lawyers and will tweak my contract.  Files have been sent to the Fertility Clinic in Montreal where I will need to go for the transfer.  As always I will continue to update everything here as it happens.

One last thing....a big Thank You to Jessie who took my to the hospital and sat with me for hours.   Thank You to Kate who hung with me in the downgraded side of the ER...you missed the cushy room....and waited while I had surgery.  To my husband Mike who left work to sit next to his wife who was pregnant for someone else.  Not many men would be as supportive as my husband is.  Thanks babe!   Lastly to my family, friends and readers who checked in on me....I appreciate all of you.

Finding Strength

Honestly I never imagined this moment.  I thought once we had a positive pregnancy test that 9 months later my IPs would have their baby.  I will admit that this has been a bumpy pregnancy but as we walked into the hospital for the ultrasound this morning we were talking about how all the previous stuff will just be behind us.  I was almost 10 weeks and we could focus on their growing baby.

Why wouldn't we think that way?  Over the past week I've been nauseous and event started to show.  So when the ultrasound showed a 7 week fetus with no heartbeat we were shocked and crushed.  I was stunned.  My heart went out to the couple who sat next to me in tears, their dreams gone.

I sat quietly in the backseat of the car while IF drove towards my house.  I didn't know what to say to a couple who was mourning together.  It wasn't until I walked into the quiet of my home that my emotions took over and I broke down.  I am so sorry that this has happened to them....to us.   As I hugged IM goodbye I told her that I was there for them  and I meant it.  Whatever their decision is for their future journey I will be there for them.  If they want to try again I will be their surrogate if they want me.

Now I wait for my doctors office to call back with a D&C date.  The clinic told me there is a wait time for it so I hope it's not too long.  I was also informed that I can stop all medications today as well.

I am lucky to be surrounded by people who love and care for me.  Even though this is not my biological baby they understand that I am tied to it and the couple and that I mourn the loss as well.  I love that JL came by to give me a hug even when I said I didn't need it.  I really did need it and she knew it.   And my neighbour Stephanie knows me well enough that when she saw me in the school yard this afternoon could tell something wasn't right.  I take comfort in their hugs and their kind words.

For those who follow this blog and those who will read it via FB, I thank you too.  I know you take an active interest in this journey and hope for the best for all.   I will continue to post as we come through this grief and move on in the future.

Smoother Please!

As I had mentioned before, the last couple weeks were a little tense.  Fluctuating hormone levels and a threat of a tubal.  A few extra trips to the clinic and a couple more needle pricks to the arm (and now my butt), and we were in the clear....or so we thought.

Yesterday saw us rushing to the clinic with the dreaded thought that I was having a miscarriage.  Cramp-like pains and bleeding.  It was hard not to think the worst.  As soon as the bleeding started I called the clinic and pushed for an emergency ultrasound.  Within an hour my IP's and I were in the ultrasound room full of worry.

I guess this is going to be another pregnancy of firsts. This is the first time that I have had implantation bleeding.  That's what we were told by the tech.  There is a pocket of blood next to the embryonic sac.  My body is trying to get rid of it and that's what the cramps were.

Baby P was floating around, happy as a clam.  There was a strong heartbeat of 113 bpm.  It was so nice to see that flutter on the screen....even if I had no clue what I was looking at.  You would think that with this being pregnancy #5 I can decipher baby parts, but all I see is snow on a TV.

Needless to say the car ride home was much more pleasant than the drive to the clinic.  We even got Dairy Queen!!!

Next week we have another ultrasound and appointment with the fertility doctor.  This will be when we are released from the clinic and go to my OB after that for prenatal care.

Grow Baby Grow

After last week and the scare of a tubal pregnancy we thought we were in the clear when we saw Baby P on the ultrasound.  We were wrong.  We have since has the worry that my Progesterone levels were continuing to drop and we may be facing the start of a miscarriage.  After my blood work on Tuesday my Progesterone levels were are 17 and I was instructed to switch from the suppositories to the intramuscular injections.

It's been three stressful days.  I went for more blood work today and my Progesterone is back up to 40 and my HCG has doubled again to over 18000.  What a relief for everyone!  The clinic is confident that we are out of the woods and can now concentrate on cooking a healthy baby.

I will remain on the intramuscular injections until the end of the first trimester.  I will have a sore backside but it will be well worth it.  I'm very lucky to have an amazing husband that administers the daily injection even though it really hates doing it to me. 

This is what it looks like when I get ready for an injection.  Two types of needles; one to pull the meds and the other to inject.

I would like to send a huge thank you out to all the well wishers, prayer warriors and friends who have been sending us their thoughts, prayers and love this week.  It's amazing to feel the support from everyone who is sharing this journey with us.  Thank you.

Bumpy Road

Once again our path is not a straight one.  Ours has some twists and turns, and definitely some bumps.  Last week when they confirmed the pregnancy they saw my Progesterone levels had gone down from over 40 to 38.2.  There was a concern that could be a sign of an Ectopic Pregnancy.  We were scheduled for an ultrasound for today.  Nothing like waiting five days (and over a long weekend) for a test that could reveal something like that.

Today we had the ultrasound and Baby P was there.  We saw a yolk sack and since I am 5w3d it's too early to see the heartbeat.  Everything looked great.  So what's the bump?  More blood work was done and my Progesterone level has now dropped to 17.  My HCG levels have gone way up over 9000 but the low Progesterone could mean one of two things.  Either I need a boost of the hormone and all will be okay or I am showing signs of a possible miscarriage.  I am starting the intramuscular injections tonight.  If that's all that I need we will see an increase in my levels come the blood work on Friday.  We are praying that's all I need and everything will continue smoothly after this hurdle.

So, if you are a praying person please send one up for us.  We could really use it.

The Results Are In!

Today was the official pregnancy test today via blood work.  I got the call around lunch.  The nurse let me know that my HCG levels were 1642 and my Progesterone is 38.2.  What does that mean exactly?  Well....WE'RE PREGNANT!!!

That's right, we had a sticky one!  We're looking at a due date of April 4, 2014.

Are we surprised?  Well, no we aren't. If anyone knows me, they know I'm not an overly patient person and waiting two weeks for a blood test would have driven me crazy.  IM is much like me so the plan was to test last Sunday.  I tested the Friday before.  Almost instantly I saw those two undeniable pink lines!
I messaged IP's and my plan was to surprise them on their front step.  Unfortunately they were heading out of town so they got this photo instead.

 To say they were excited is putting it mildly.  They were over the moon and had tears of joy.  This is exactly what they had been hoping for.

One more thing about me, I like to be thorough.  The next day I took another test and sent them this picture with the title "And just in case we needed a second opinion."

 How am I doing? I am thrilled that all of this is happening.  I am so happy for my IP's.  They deserve this so much.  Last night I had a craving for chocolate covered almonds at 10pm.  I ran over to the store to get some and messaged IM about it.  What arrived at my door today?   1.5KG Costco sized bag of chocolate almonds!  Thank you IM and IF for taking care of me!

The Waiting Game

I'm feeling crampy.  That could be a good sign.  Are those implantation pains?  Or did I just eat too much pizza?  Oh I don't know!!

This past Thursday was the big day.  We transferred one excellent grade embryo.  The embryo was 5 days old after fertilization.  This is wonderful news for my couple.  This has been the highest graded embryo that they have had.  On day 6 the four remaining embryos were frozen for later use.

Now the wait begins.  I'm trying not to think about it too much but I have one very excited couple who are anxiously counting down the days until we can do a test. My heart is praying that they get the news they desperately desire.

My hormone levels were great when we did the transfer.  I go back again this week for more blood work to make sure they are still at the correct levels.  At this point I don't need to do the Progesterone injections. The suppositories are working just fine....whew!!

I did some research online today to see exactly where things are today.  Right now we are at 2dpt.


This is what happens with a 5dt:

-1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Here We Go Again

Sometimes we travel on a journey that doesn't take us from point A to point B like we had expected.  We take detours along the way and finally when we come to our destination although it was a different route than planned we are happy that we took it.  This is how I feel right now.

A few months ago I was with a great couple who suddenly decided to stop the process.  Shocked, saddened and confused by their choice we decided that our end goal was to help a couple and that's what we were going to do.  After putting the call out I quickly had three couples interested.  It's such a hard decision to make.  Having the power to decide who you work with is heart wrenching.  One couple gets the greatest news in the world.  The other two are left to pick up and start the search again.
We chose a couple who was local to us because that's what we had experienced the past year.  We liked the idea of date nights and being so close to each other for appointments.

That was in April.  Now we are on the eve of our IFV transfer.  We have gone through the tests and the meetings with the Dr....now it's baby time!  Saturday was the egg retrieval.  11 eggs were retrieved and fertilized.  As of Sunday there were 8 embryos.  I forgot to ask yesterday how many were left or their quality but in the end it doesn't matter.  It only takes one.

So, if you're a praying person I ask you to send a prayer up for us.  Please pray for sticky vibes and the healthiest baby this wonderful couple could ask for.  The next ten days will be the longest as we wait for the time to take a pregnancy test.  There are things I'm not looking forward to....morning sickness, heartburn, loss of sleep, but in the end it will all be worth it.  Time to bring a new little person into the world!

An Unexpected Turn of Events

Many people know that IM and I were in our "dummy" cycle this past month.  We were taking meds, having ultrasounds and blood work done and waiting for our transfer date.

Last week IM had had a surprise when her wonky cycle decided to be more off than ever.  With that the cycle was cancelled and I was instructed to change my meds.  The doctors were putting my cycle in a holding pattern.  IM went into the clinic this week to see one Doctor on Monday and then visited with our attending physician on Wednesday.

I knew how upset IM was.  We normally text daily and over the past four days she has barely messaged me. She was very upset that the cycle was cancelled and I understand that. So much hope and dreaming happen when these processes are going on.  She was heartbroken and found it very hard to discuss it with me.

So I will be honest, I wasn't surprised when I received the text this morning.  My IP's have decided that this process is no longer for them.  They have cancelled all further processes at the clinic and I am no longer their surrogate.  IM found this too stressful and as she said her mental health just couldn't take it anymore.

I respect their decision. I don't know what they are going through.  Yes, I'm doped up on hormones and have had to go through a lot in the past couple months, but I wasn't hoping to have a baby in the end.  I would have loved to have given them that baby but things happen for a reason.

Two weeks ago a couple contacted me asking for information on how to find a surrogate.  I provided them all I knew, and they seemed like a great couple.  I heard this weekend that they are still looking.  They have embryos all ready to go...they just need an oven.  I am a preheated oven that is looking to cook a bun.  I'll see if I can have a chat with them and if we connect.

My husband and I were talking about it today, about our next step.  We've been in surrogacy mode for a year.  We might as well look for a couple who is ready.  For us it's now or never.  We don't want to be doing this a year from now.

I love our IP's and we will continue the friendship that began a year ago.  I wish them all the best in the decisions and I pray that they are happy with whatever is in their future.

And, the Meds Have Kicked In!

I will admit it, I can be a grumpy, moody person at times.  Or that's what my husband tells me.  I try to be friendly and delightful as much as a I.  During my last surrogacy experience I took the Estrace pills just like I am this time.  My emotions were out of control.  I could feel myself getting irritated or upset and I would just go with it.  This time is different.

Yesterday I knew the meds had started working.  I felt that wave of emotion come over me.  Situations would arise and I was easily angered.  I quickly learned that these little situations that shouldn't have bothered me were REALLY getting to me.  And no matter how much time was passing I couldn't get over it.

This morning I woke up still irritated by things from yesterday and I decided I wasn't going to allow this drug to control my emotions for the next few months.  I grabbed my girl Jersey and headed to the dog park with a friend.  It was good to get outside in the fresh (cold) air and forget everything else.  It worked.  I got back to my car feeling great and I had let go of what was bothering me.  That is my focus for the next 3-4 months while on the Estrogen meds.  Find a way to escape and reset things, even if for 5 minutes.

My plan may not always work.  I may get bitchy.  I may yell or shed some tears.  But on the bright side I won't be on these pills forever and the pleasant, friendly, delightful Lisa will be returning!  haha

In A Cycle

It's real now!

I've been on the Estrace for a week now.  So far I haven't bitten anyone's head off.  Actually I think I have been quite friendly lately.  You'll have to ask my husband for an exact answer though.  I'm currently on 2mgs a day so things could change when they have me on 6mgs per day.  That starts next week.

IM is also in a cycle too.  She has her own monitoring and appts over the next two weeks.  This is all to align our cycles for the transfer.

A year ago I received the call and was asked to be their surrogate.  I immediately said no.  I wasn't in that place anymore.  I'm so glad my husband told me to take the time and think about.  After changing my mind we have now been introduced to two very amazing people.  They are people we can spend time with and really enjoy their company.  No forced conversations or facades.  Just a relationship that continues to build as our journey continues. I'm thankful for that.

We Got the Call!

Tuesday was a pretty regular day.  I was strolling through the Home Depot waiting to pick up supplies for our newest home reno project.  I will say that nothing much gets done in this house reno wise until pregnancy hormones are about to kick in.  Painting only happens when I'm pregnant and the desire to do large jobs only happens when there is a baby on board.  So of course it came as no surprise while we are gearing up to rip up all the flooring on the main floor of our house, I get the call.

The Scheduling Nurse from the Fertility Clinic was on the phone and she was ready to book me in.  The first month is our trial month.  Load us full of meds and see how our systems react and get us all synched up to the others' cycle.  I say just rent us an apartment together for a month or two and we'll take care of it, but, whatever!

So today is the day!  I have an appointment this afternoon at the clinic.  They will give me an injection and stock me up with the other meds that I need to take daily.  I know one of the pills is Estrace.  It's Estrogen and I will be taking a fairly healthy dosage of it.  My husband is already prepared for the fallout of what extra estrogen does to me.  Last time it made me into another person completely and I couldn't do anything about it....not that I really cared to.  That's a side effect of so many hormones.  I promise I will try to reign them in this time if I can.

As for IM, she will be heading to the clinic next week to start her mock month.  Once all results are in we will be told if April or May is the transfer month.  I'm so excited....this is really going to happen!  That's good because I have two bathroom renos and four rooms I would like to paint!

Time to Catch Up

I promised myself I would be more up to date with this blog.  I'm such a liar!

Well to be honest there really hasn't been much to report.  The new clinic is a slow moving one.  If we had gone to the clinic in TO we probably would have had a transfer already.  But things happen for a reason.  Going to Toronto meant that time needed to be taken off work, lives had to be affected and we opted not to go that route. We wanted stress free (as much as possible), and we wanted to be close to home.  Our clinic does things differently and we appreciate that.  There will be some different protocols this time around and we are excited to try them.

I held my ground and won't be required to do the injections this time around.  Progesterone is still required but I have opted for the 3 times a day suppository.  It may be more of a hassle but I plan to be running this time around and I can't run with butt cheeks full of oil that won't absorb.

So where do we stand now?  It's the waiting game...isn't it always?  Right now we are waiting to hear from the clinic as to when we can start the trial month.  IM and I will be on our meds to see how each one responds.  They will be checking her follicle count and for me they just want to see that my uterus is still "top shelf".  If everything looks good we will get the green light for an actual cycle the following month.  Our hope it transfer in March but it all depends on how busy they are and how the trial month went.

We could use all the positive vibes you can send our way.

One thing this waiting has given us is the opportunity to develop a relationship with a great couple.  I consider them friends and look forward to all of this with them.  Having the IP's in the same city is really nice.  We get together about once a month.  We go on double dates for dinner and movies.  It's a bonus that they like the same movies we do.  To us it just feels like we are with friends we have known for a long time.

We've had them over for dinner and to meet the rest of our clan.  I was happy to see my children didn't scare them off from becoming parents.  It really could have gone either way!

Ok, here's where I stop yammering.  I've gotten you up to speed and I promise to be better at this from now on.  Pinkie Swear!