Finding Strength

Honestly I never imagined this moment.  I thought once we had a positive pregnancy test that 9 months later my IPs would have their baby.  I will admit that this has been a bumpy pregnancy but as we walked into the hospital for the ultrasound this morning we were talking about how all the previous stuff will just be behind us.  I was almost 10 weeks and we could focus on their growing baby.

Why wouldn't we think that way?  Over the past week I've been nauseous and event started to show.  So when the ultrasound showed a 7 week fetus with no heartbeat we were shocked and crushed.  I was stunned.  My heart went out to the couple who sat next to me in tears, their dreams gone.

I sat quietly in the backseat of the car while IF drove towards my house.  I didn't know what to say to a couple who was mourning together.  It wasn't until I walked into the quiet of my home that my emotions took over and I broke down.  I am so sorry that this has happened to them....to us.   As I hugged IM goodbye I told her that I was there for them  and I meant it.  Whatever their decision is for their future journey I will be there for them.  If they want to try again I will be their surrogate if they want me.

Now I wait for my doctors office to call back with a D&C date.  The clinic told me there is a wait time for it so I hope it's not too long.  I was also informed that I can stop all medications today as well.

I am lucky to be surrounded by people who love and care for me.  Even though this is not my biological baby they understand that I am tied to it and the couple and that I mourn the loss as well.  I love that JL came by to give me a hug even when I said I didn't need it.  I really did need it and she knew it.   And my neighbour Stephanie knows me well enough that when she saw me in the school yard this afternoon could tell something wasn't right.  I take comfort in their hugs and their kind words.

For those who follow this blog and those who will read it via FB, I thank you too.  I know you take an active interest in this journey and hope for the best for all.   I will continue to post as we come through this grief and move on in the future.